yellow eyes

kind of like if somebody was
gnawing at my mandible,
spitting out pieces of imperfection,
devouring the bits of energy, the wrong smiles,
healing the bite marks with salt swollen
into parasitic antibodies.

you don't even know this, you know,
and i'm jealous, and sad, and you
probably don't know that either and
who is punishing who?

"my body has betrayed my desires" but also
kept me from them.

i had a dream last night that i told you,
"sorry, but i can't stop" and we kissed,
slowly, painfully. today i will have to open my mouth.

i don't know why my heart seems to think
that you're the right destination. i should know better.
my mind will change with absence and i will move on again,
kiss others, not in dreams. live with no regrets.
never make amends.

i've had a lot of time
to think.

me, the pirate queen

when by the end of the day i feel
stretched out like my holey sweater,
couldn't hold together for the whole
six hours i've been dressed like this,
you want to text me "hey" and i think that
maybe my mistake has been
only underestimating your adoration,
and i don't know if i have more of a
conscience than she suspects or if i am just
not yet well-travelled enough
but i do not want to lead you on,
i only want to enjoy a few hours,
i overestimated your proposals and i
should have maybe
waited a week to spring it on you,
not talked, not thought, taken what i want
and then beg innocent later
when you realized you actually wanted more.

bao (or: treasure)

i sweeten my coffee and stare at the orange skyline,
read shiny magazines and judge myself,
pretend to be above the acidic paint on the stairwells and
appreciate.

remember, we married our fortunes together. and i
want to tell you everything. plan elusive and reduce
my confused state of rejection, i'll take my affection on the
high road and leave you alone.

i've been gambling with clocks, stealing stranger's socks,
i've evolved but i haven't changed and so wasn't i right from the beginning?
it breaks my heart a bit and i'll admit it to you -
you're the only person who could understand
when i reference that aged conversation and propose that sand
beat the rush by shrinking til the waves could do it no harm.

(tell me it's not true if it's not true, but don't lie to save me.)

but oh, but oh, where have you gone?

squashy purple sleeping bags

i feel now like he can't hide anymore,
can't pretend to not be even slightly impressed by me,
slightly awed,
slightly turned on because there is only so much
that you can conceal behind an accent and a robe and
a cynical air and i stopped trying to care
and now the words come effortlessly and we've moved past touch
(something i've been craving just a tad bit too much)
with my feet on his chest and his hands on my breasts and a rhythmic coughing
and clearwater and dawn.

how to handle morgan, among other things

it's a fucking monsoon out there and sometimes it seems like i'm the only one walking through it but tonight we're going out and tonight i'm not going to drown and tonight is a night on the town and tonight's gonna be a good night.

rain falling from the eaves like a waterfall and nobody drew the ace but she pulled up like the queen of diamonds my best friend and we raised our plastic cups to the ceiling fan and the stick-on stars the only ones we've had and it was a good night.

she didn't get a handle that time but it was a good night. go tell the captain i remember it.

vampires is a bit strong but...

veins in arms, earnest eyes,
stroking back your hair, playing, there.

i hadn't realized what i missed until i got it,
stars and the wind through my hair, solitude and sugarland

but luck is the last thing on my mind when i'm visiting,
encouraging strangers with a light touch and quick thinking,
head over heels for blond boys with beers and i'm not even drinking
elliptical sorrow so he's nowhere near,
i'm too far away because this isn't home.
i want the sweat and the signal,
the blood and the bone,
sleep deprivation, bathrooms with locks,
happy smoked hallways and the Jabberwocks.

(i only wish they were prettier)

fall into me

I am Jill's bitten nails,
hammered into gaping holes,
sagging down with a heavy load,
bending under the weight of art for art's sake.

I am Jack's empty wallet,
diamond dogs and lost credit cards,
sunk below light's reach with pirate boots.

but I am not,
and I am your blue-eyed wanderer,
blue-lined warrior, the burn of whiskey in the back of your throat,
the brazier in your belly.
I am an impermeable flannel shirt.
I am a princess poster and your first memory.