stone butch blues

i want to stay with you forever,
but i can't -and don't- understand.
i want you to hold me so tight that you forget
everything that's wrong with your life
and everything that's wrong with mine,
and everything we said last night
and every time i cried.

i want to stumble home at three in the morning,
sobering up from a night on the town,
with chocolate-covered strawberries covering your mouth,
covering my thighs.
sharing the tastes of desperation, drunk cigarettes, and despair.

i want, and i want, and i don't know what i want,
and i tell myself, "NO,"
and i've gotten so fucking good at it.
of course something had to go sooner or later.

i'm just so, so sorry.

it wasn't that wall that was supposed to break.

cutting

the fact of the matter is simply that,
a fact,
that i am the one left behind this time, you
went ahead and replaced me
we used to be a synecdoche, the parts in the sum of the whole,
what i thought i couldn't live through losing.

i just need someone to believe in
because that person isn't me anymore.

you have met more interesting, honest people and
i still cower from your truths, avoidance
snip, snip, i'm losing touch with gravity and
i haven't found anything else to anchor to,
except stone god fantasies, calculus,
and sweating naked in front of eager eyes.