stone butch blues

i want to stay with you forever,
but i can't -and don't- understand.
i want you to hold me so tight that you forget
everything that's wrong with your life
and everything that's wrong with mine,
and everything we said last night
and every time i cried.

i want to stumble home at three in the morning,
sobering up from a night on the town,
with chocolate-covered strawberries covering your mouth,
covering my thighs.
sharing the tastes of desperation, drunk cigarettes, and despair.

i want, and i want, and i don't know what i want,
and i tell myself, "NO,"
and i've gotten so fucking good at it.
of course something had to go sooner or later.

i'm just so, so sorry.

it wasn't that wall that was supposed to break.